TRIGGER WARNING

Childhood abuse and trauma

Why do so many adults suffer from low self-worth and low self-esteem? That can’t possibly be something that happens overnight as we enter adulthood. Could emotional abuse be the explanation?

With that in mind, it made sense to me to look at the issue from the perspective of emotionally abusive parenting. The impact of this toxic form of parenting is arguably one of the most long-lasting and widespread. 

Sadly, many of us were raised by emotionally abusive parents and don’t even realize it. Yet, we’re perpetuating the cycle either as victims or abusers. 

Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist or qualified to make any kind of diagnosis on any form of mental health issues or abuse. 

What follows are common signs you embody if raised by an emotionally abusive parent. It’s important to note that while these are symptoms, it doesn’t conclusively mean your parent was emotionally abusive. 

““why 18 years” growing up with people comparing you to bats, creatures, and shadows will do bad damage to your self esteem.”

The common signs

Common signs include adopting unhealthy relationships that mirror how your parents treated you. For example, do you tend to date people that don’t respect your boundaries? People who ridicule you when you try to enforce those boundaries, as your parents did? 

Reflect on the commonalities between the two relationships and consider if there’s overlap in behaviours that are emotionally abusive. 

Perfectionism is the ultimate form of self sabotage because whenever you reach a goal, you simply move the goalpost. Nothing is ever good enough because true perfection isn’t possible. 

Sadly, it’s frequent that emotionally abusive parents will teach us that nothing we do is ever good enough. This results in us relentlessly pursuing perfectionism in an effort to gain both self-worth and love from our abusers.

If any of this sounds eerily familiar to you, I’d encourage you to speak to a professional to understand more. It’s easy to self diagnose. But unless you’re a licensed professional, you run the risk of being incorrect in your conclusions.

“CRY IT OUT METHOD IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND YOU CANT CHANGE MY MIND. God I want to punch parents who do CIO. I also went them to be forever ignored whenever they have emotional needs because if you do it to a baby it should be done to you. The end.”

Signs of emotionally abusive parents

Low self-esteem is often a by-product of emotional abuse. It makes us more susceptible to engaging in emotionally abusive relationships in the future. Take time to evaluate if this is an issue for you. 

What follows are other common signs you embody if raised by an emotionally abusive parent. It’s important to note that while these are symptoms, it doesn’t conclusively mean your parent was emotionally abusive.

Along with low self esteem, we often find the same people don’t express their emotions: they hold on to them. The reason for this is usually because they feel like their feelings don’t matter. They’ve often been validated in this feeling time and time again via an emotionally abusive parent.

Attention seeking behavior is a toxic trait that can be attributed to a number of factors. But it is a recurring behavior of people who have been victims of emotional abuse by their parents.

They learn early on that this action will result in attention, positive or negative. And that assurance makes them feel like they have some sort of control over the abusive situation. After all, we often trick ourselves into thinking we can’t possibly be in an abusive relationship if we’re in control, can we?

“parental abuse isn’t just about physically harming your child. the damage inflicted by emotional emotional abuse from your own parents gaslighting, manipulating the facts, and making threats in response to minor things is something that needs to be addressed systemically”

Making sense of it all

If any of this sounds eerily familiar to you, I’d encourage you to speak to a professional to understand more. It’s easy to self diagnose, but unless you’re a licensed professional, you run the risk of being incorrect in your conclusions. 

Feeling alone is one thing, but I’d like to take it a step further and discuss the subtle and complicated forms of abuse within all types of relationships. Abuse leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness along with a myriad of other negative experiences and emotions.

Perhaps one of the hardest forms of abuse to spot is emotional abuse. In my opinion, it is also the most common form of abuse.

The reasons for this are extensive. The most obvious reason is that it’s subtle in nature, it tends to begin slowly, thus desensitizing us. But perhaps most notably, there is a vast grey area on what constitutes as emotional abuse.

What’s most troubling about emotional abuse is that commonly, abusers are unaware that they’re being emotionally abusive. How can you correct behaviour that you aren’t aware is toxic?

“anyone else an extremely sensitive person and endured childhood emotional abuse as a result of that sensitivity so now you have so many emotions that you don’t know how to deal with or handle in the slightest because your parents taught you your feeling were a burden”

The grey area

What about criticizing someone in the hopes that it’ll spur them to change? Is that abuse? Or teasing someone in front of other people? 

How about mocking someone when they try to defend themselves? Have you experienced someone who never takes responsibility for their actions, even when you know they’ve made a mistake? 

Have you ever been punished by someone deliberately withholding love and affection? What about someone who doesn’t want you involved with your friends and family? What about never being good enough (according to someone else), despite your best efforts? 

The commonality in all of these is control, therefore they are all examples of emotional abuse. There are many more examples we could look into. I’d encourage you to do so when you have the time.

I’m sure at this point a lot of you are realizing that you’re emotionally abusive. Or that you’re being emotionally abused, or perhaps you’re involved in both. My point isn’t to shame anyone for what they do. Nor for what they tolerate. The point is to raise awareness so you can consult professionals and find a healthy resolution if one is needed. 

One of the hardest things to understand is that how other people react and what other people say is a reflection of them, not you. It takes a long time to fully comprehend that we do not have control over anyone other than ourselves. 

“Sometimes setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and sometimes people still won’t respect them But atleast have the self-respect to do it”

Working on personal growth

It’s possible we have been misled because people are typically so quick to blame someone else for their own reactions. 

“You make me so mad!”

“If you would stop doing ____, then I wouldn’t have to ___”

The reality is that one does not have much to do with the other. 

No one can make you feel any way about anything. You choose to allow yourself to feel that way. Which means you can also choose not to allow yourself to feel that way. 

A more accurate way to say the above examples would be:

“I feel angry when you do/say _____ because _________.”

“When you do _______________ I feel the need to _________ because ___________ “

There’s a subtle but significant shift in ownership over the emotions involved. 

Not only is this important to how we speak to others, but it also translates to how we speak to ourselves. 

We’re quick to blame ourselves for things that go wrong that are beyond our control. We’re quick to criticise ourselves for things no one else notices. 

“Don’t let people treat you like shit when there are better people out there that’ll know how to appreciate you. Being around bad people for too long will damage your self-esteem and make you think you’re worth less than you are. Know your worth by refusing to be treated poorly.”

The Next Step

Studies have shown that speaking kindly to plants and people encourages their physical and emotional growth, respectively of course. The inverse is also true: speaking negatively and critically to plants and people discourages their growth. 

Indulge me for a moment and really picture what you would feel like if you had someone in your life who was relentlessly supportive and positive. They always look for the silver lining in situations you find yourself in and they see and celebrate all the wonderful things that are uniquely you. 

How would that feel? What could you accomplish with that type of support and encouragement? What would you attempt if you knew failure wouldn’t be dire and you were still loved and values regardless?

Why can’t you be that person for yourself? 

I’d love to know…

What steps have you taken to heal from emotional abuse? 

What advice do you have for an abuser or abuse victim?

What’s something loving and encouraging you wish you could have said to your former self?

What things about yourself are you most proud of?

“i’ve been struggling with self confidence a lot recently, and it sucks seeing the beauty standards set for our generation nowadays. if you’re reading this and you struggle with self confidence, just know that you are BEAUTIFUL in every way. love yourself”